I feel as though I’ve done everything I set out to do with no improvements. Although I’m not sure I’m at all surprised. Attending church regularly, joining a small group, volunteering, I thought it would lead to my heart yearning for God and my conscious re-awakening to remind me of what is right and what is wrong. Unfortunately all that has changed has been external. I still have no desire to read my Bible or spend time with God. It’s as if that part of me (the part that used to make up the very core of who I am)is swiftly slipping away and I can’t do anything to stop it.
I’ve heard that when I least want to pray that is when it is of most importance, and when I least want to open God’s word that is when it is extremely vital that I do. But how can that be so when all I get from the Bible is empty words on a page and praying just feels like words spoken to an empty room?
I know I can’t expect my relationship with God to be as strong and living as it once was, but I never imagined it could ever be this non-existent: that I could truly question His presence and the proof of my salvation. I feel I have no-where to turn and that I’ve exhausted all my efforts to climb out of this hole I’m in. it’s as if the one person I need help from is thousands of miles away and I cannot reach Him because it is help to even try that I am in need of.